Sharks Are People Too!

Sharks May Be People

2010-03-23T14:28:00.000-07:00

But they are definitely not human. They are dancer.

Sharks Came Up With Cell Phones First

2010-03-18T15:46:00.000-07:00

Sharks have been using shells as phones for way longer than you ever thought was possible and they're pissed that humans stole their idea. You think that it's a coincidence that cell phone sounds like shell phone? You sheeple.

So the shark that gives out cancer (it's his power) is giving all the bitch ass humans who use cell phones brain cancer. But don't think you're safe if you're not using cell phones because that means you're a fucking weirdo and sharks hate you anyways for being weird and will give you cancer in other ways, bitches. No one is safe.

Sharks Are Cooler Than You Are

2010-03-16T12:34:00.001-07:00

Sharks drive fast and play music loud.

They only live to get radical.

What Are Sharks’ Best Attributes?

2010-03-11T18:41:00.001-08:00

All of them, you idiot. You obviously haven’t been paying attention at all.

Just kidding, it’s their pretty eyes and their gorgeous skin.

When Sharks Roll, They Roll Hard.

2010-03-10T11:32:00.000-08:00

They just know that it’s fun to do bad things.

Sharks like to do hood rat things with their friends.

Sharks Aren’t Born, They Just Are

2010-03-09T13:05:00.000-08:00

Only a finite number of sharks can exist. The current number is 69,420,001. For a new shark to come into existence an old shark must die. Then the new shark then flies out of the old shark's mouth.

But sometimes this happens:

You Are Smothering Them

2010-03-08T15:00:00.000-08:00

Sharks don't need attention so stop giving it to them.

A Brief History Lesson

2010-03-05T13:39:00.000-08:00

A long time ago, when hybrid animals were the norm, purebred animals were special and magical.

During this time there was a great war…

The humans will never fully understand the intensity of this war because they doth be a bunch of whiny petunia bitchez.

This was the time of the street sharks!

Death Doesn't Scare Sharks

2010-03-04T14:27:00.000-08:00

Sharks aren't afraid to die; they're afraid to live.

Technology

2010-03-03T17:21:00.000-08:00

Sharks are made of technology. This ones name is Technology Werewolf. He came from the future to teach us about stuff, but then he decided not to.

Shark Dogs Wear Shoes

2010-03-02T10:21:00.000-08:00

Besides wearing shoes, shark dogs are a shark’s best friend, and so are dogs.

The Truth

2010-03-01T17:01:00.001-08:00

Sharks are actually burritos. Suck it.

News Flash

2010-02-26T14:40:00.000-08:00

Sharks are from the planet Pandora. PSYCH! Just kidding they aren’t at all. I was testing you, and you failed. They are from the same planet as Transformers.

Cats are actually from the Avatar planet.

I can't believe you thought that sharks were gross enough to have grody ponytail sex with everything, only cats are raunchy enough for that.

Sharks Don't Need Umbrellas

2010-02-25T15:02:00.000-08:00

For so many reasons they don’t need umbrellas, but most importantly because they like rain. And they do not like it because they think it's cool to say that they like it. It’s because they make rain. They shoot out from the water super fast and bust through the clouds breaking them open and making the rain fall out. So obviously they like it.

Sharks Are Really Deep

2010-02-24T15:30:00.000-08:00

Nothing is deeper than sharks, except maybe the ocean, but not really because it's not. Sharks are deeper.

The picture below shows how deep the ocean is. Sharks are deeper than that in every way possible.

*click on image to enlarge

All Sharks Are Twins

2010-02-23T14:47:00.000-08:00

All sharks are twins, and their souls are connected. If one dies, its twin feels the pain of the world.

Fuck J. K. Rowling

2010-02-22T16:55:00.000-08:00

J.K. Rowling did NOT come up with the Harry Potter story. She learned about shark mythology and then changed the story to be between wizards and muggles, instead of sharks and everyone else.

FACT she is a stealing, lying bitch.

Shark Is King

2010-02-19T17:08:00.001-08:00

We’ve all heard it before, and it’s total bullshit. Neptune is not the king of the ocean. He never was, and he never will be. He’s not the king of anything, except for a bunch of gay mermaids. I once saw a shark take a bite out of a rainbow. I would like to see a mermaid do that.

Sharks are obviously over four hundred times better than mermaids, and way more hardcore. The liberal media has propagated these lies about Neptune being worth a shit to hide the real truth. Neptune answers to this guy:

Pictures Can Be Deceiving

2010-02-18T15:44:00.000-08:00

Don't let this picture fool you, like all other sharks, this shark is dangerous as hell. NEVER underestimate a shark or it will be the end of you. Capiche?

*Whoever drew this abomination needs to be shot. This is so inaccurate. Sharks are nothing like this. The person who concocted this slanderous propaganda is probably a loser. So stop it.

Sharks Have A CIA

2010-02-17T14:54:00.000-08:00

Sharks have their own CIA system, with secret agents and stuff. They have a training program to train against terrorist armies, which according to them includes squids, renegade bears, and peoples.

Sharks Don't Like Flowers

2010-02-16T13:10:00.000-08:00

Sharks don't like flowers unless they're dandelions because dandelions are really pretty.

Hot Chicks Love Sharks

2010-02-12T16:55:00.000-08:00

And vice versa. No one really knows shit about why. Maybe it’s the super powers, maybe it’s the being totally badass. Whatever it is, sharks are irresistible to hot chicks. And when hot chicks are around sharks, it’s like they are allergic to their clothes, and like to get buck naked. This is a prime example of this phenomenon:

(Pictured above: hot ass chick riding a shark with turning into metal powers)

Sharks Understand Art

2010-02-11T12:18:00.000-08:00

Sharks understand your art. And they think it's stupid.

Sharks Aren't Ticklish

2010-02-10T17:00:00.000-08:00

Sharks don't laugh when you tickle them. They laugh when you try to punch them in the nose. Why? Obviously because they don't even have noses, you dumb dumb humans. Noses don't exist on other planets so sharks would never even consider having them.

Sharks Are Harry Potter

2010-02-09T15:51:00.000-08:00

The only human written book that sharks like is Harry Potter because it’s deep as fuck and not gay. The original story actually involved sharks. Yeah, it had lots of them. Don’t hate.

But anyway, the government told J. K. Rowling that she had to remove the sharks from the books because it was way too close to the truth. Sharks are real, and they have magic powers, and the government doesn’t want you to know about it. You heard it here first folks.

Sharks Are Sharks

2010-02-08T13:01:00.001-08:00

Above all other things, sharks are sharks. There are no ifs ands or buts about it. They always have, and always will be sharks. Don’t try to change them. It is totally useless, and only an idiot would try.

You’re just fixing what’s not broken. Practice what you preach, bitches. Don’t try to kill four stones with a bird bitch.

Sharks Are Into Norse Gods

2010-02-05T17:56:00.000-08:00

Sharks are really into Norse Gods and the Kardashians. Norse Gods and the Kardashians are equally interesting and sharks know it.

Sharks Invented The Internet

2010-02-04T12:34:00.000-08:00

(Pictured above: The Internets)

Al Gore can shut his lying mouth because sharks invented the Internet, hard. Not really though because if you know anything then you know that the Internet always existed, like electricity. Sharks harnessed its power first, hard. This is the reason for the surfing metaphors. And obviously yes, when they had arms and legs, like 4 billion years ago (before Humans were even close to existing), sharks invented surfing as well, hard.

Shark's Eating Habits

2010-02-03T15:18:00.000-08:00

Sharks eat anything and everything. Sharks eat fish, marsupials, coral, humans, birds, broccoli, board games, rocks, saxophones, their feelings, and anything else they can. Their hunger is insatiable. They prefer things that have blood, but they will settle for anything that will make them stronger. Considering that when they eat something they absorb its powers, they will eat anything because sharks are power hungry. They are not perfect.

Sharks Watch TV

2010-02-02T09:33:00.000-08:00

Sharks only watch one TV show: Little Miss Perfect. Don't you even THINK about them being pedophiles because they only watch it when they're high and it freaks them the fuck out, except they’re not freaked out. Nothing phases sharks. Nothing.

Shark Is The New Black

2010-02-01T12:30:00.000-08:00

Sharks favorite color is black because all other colors are gay as shit.

Sharks Have Mustaches

2010-01-29T10:46:00.000-08:00

Sharks have mustaches. You may not be able to see them, but they’re definitely there. The superfine mustache bristles pick up vibrations in the water. Using their invisible mustaches they can sense any emotion like fear, jealousy, itchiness, if you are singing a song in your head, etc.

Sharks Are Poetic

2010-01-28T16:44:00.000-08:00

Sharks would NEVER write sappy songs like angsty canadian preteens. They do write deep haikus though. Humans think they write haikus, but that word garbage is a joke compared to the soul crushing word music sharks create.

Sharks Are UFOs

2010-01-27T13:24:00.001-08:00

We already know that sharks fly in the air at night. Given. But sometimes they are traveling so fast that they show up on airplane radar, or turn on their glowing mechanism so that they light up (this was discussed earlier in the section about how all sharks have super powers... try to keep up please). When this happens, dumb dumb humans think it’s UFOs.

Technically, they are right because sharks are from a different planet and they can’t be identified whilst flying around all catawampus, but they are actually dead wrong because they think that little green men with big heads and black eyes are driving circle ships. Wrong alert.

Sharks' Roars

2010-01-26T18:57:00.000-08:00

Sharks' roars and growls are so low pitched that nothing on earth, besides sharks and super fancy computers (made with stolen shark technology), can hear them. Since humans can’t hear these noises, they have a name for how shark roars feel. They call them earthquakes.

Yeah, sharks don't roar that often.

Science

2010-01-25T09:41:00.001-08:00

If you rub two sharks together, you get a sandwich. Don’t ask me why because it’s science.

Sharks vs. Whales

2010-01-22T06:33:00.000-08:00

Sharks are so much better than whales it’s not even funny, well it actually is funny, but not that funny. So seriously, sharks are two hundred times better. “Why?” you ask. Simple. First off, they just are. Secondly, why do they have to call the most badass whale a killer whale?
Calling a shark a killer shark would be redundant as fuck because any jackass already knows that sharks are cold ass killers. Guess what the pussiest shark is called. Give up? It’s called a WHALE shark.
I rest my case. Out of order?! Your Honor, this whole blog is out of order!

Sharks Cry

2010-01-21T06:39:00.000-08:00

Sharks cry sometimes. Not because they're sad, but because they just like it.

Back In The Day

2010-01-20T08:16:00.001-08:00

Back in the olden times, before Columbus fucked everything up, sharks and Native Americans had a hardcore alliance. Together they invented feather hats, face paint, sunglasses and gambling. They also knew a bunch of other ways to look super cool. It’s too bad they had a falling out. They used to be very close.

What happened was that Native Americans were really into unicorn meat, and they killed all the Unicorns. They also wore the horns to look super badass. This offended the sharks because sharks share a common ancestor with unicorns, the sharkicorn.

(Artist’s rendering)

The Loch Ness Monster Doesn’t Have Shit On Sharks

2010-01-19T08:03:00.000-08:00

Why do you think he hides out in that dumb lake? Cause he is scared. If Loch Ness monsters had anything on sharks wouldn’t they be swimming free in the ocean? Instead guess what, the seas belong to sharks. End of story. And those pussy ass Loch Ness Monsters will stay out of the ocean if they know what’s good for them.

Sharks Invented Tempurpedic Mattresses

2010-01-18T05:48:00.000-08:00

Sharks invented Tempurpedic mattresses way before those Swedish people discovered them (the Swedes claim that they invented them with space technology or whatever, but it's not true. They were invented by sharks on their home planet...people are so dumb)

So yeah, on their home planet Tempurpedic material is so common it literally grows on trees, and it’s what they make their houses out of. Sharks brought it with them to earth, not for them to sleep on, but because they wanted the humans to sleep more soundly on them. This way they could have an easier time stealing your thoughts.

Sharks Love Teenage Pregnancy.

2010-01-15T11:21:00.000-08:00

They think it's hilarious, which it is.

Sharks Are In Your Head

2010-01-14T10:55:00.001-08:00

You know how sometimes, you are about to say something and then you forget and are like “DAMMIT!” That doesn’t happen to sharks ever.

Because sharks are stealing your thoughts and memories, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Shark’s Blood Is The Most Expensive Liquid On The Planet.

2010-01-13T10:20:00.000-08:00

It’s more expensive than oil, bottled water, glowstick fluid and printer ink.

Who Would Win In A Fight, Batman Or Superman?

2010-01-12T11:59:00.000-08:00

Neither. A shark would win dumbass, and any plain old shark could do it. You don’t even need a super powered shark. But that’s irrelevant because it leads us directly into the next fact.

All sharks have super powers.

And no two sharks have the same powers. Each has their own unique power.

For instance, this shark is really good at surprises:

This one is really good at partying:
And this one can do this:

Sharks Invented Video Games

2010-01-11T15:01:00.001-08:00

This is the earliest video game known to man or shark.
It was called “Donkey Shark.” It still is the funnest game ever to be created. Sharks traded their videogame technology for nuclear secrets as well as Hot Pocket technology with the Japanese.

That’s right sharks have Nukes and Japanese Hot Pockets. Be afraid, be very afraid.

Shorks!

2010-01-08T12:17:00.001-08:00

Sharks were originally called “Shorks.” They had a big meeting with all the other badass creatures on earth (Bears, Wolves, Tigers, Dragons, Chupacabras, Sasquatches, Native Americans, etc.). At the tribunal of badassery, it was decided that “Sharks” was a way badasser name. So they changed it.

P.S. Before this meeting Wolves were called Ladyfingers.

Sharks Don't Swim

2010-01-07T09:36:00.000-08:00

Sharks don’t appreciate their non dorsal fins being called fins because they are wings. Also they do not swim. They fly majestically through the water.

Ever Gotten A Prank Call? That Was A Shark.

2010-01-06T14:41:00.000-08:00

...How do I know this? Because I’m a shark. But don’t tell the other sharks about this blog, they’d eat me alive. Just kidding, I‘m the strongest one. But still don’t fucking tell them, bitches.

Also, sharks can type way faster than any human. And they beat every single level on Mavis Beacon.

Sharks Have Christmas Everyday

2010-01-06T10:27:00.000-08:00

Sharks have Christmas everyday, except when they’re sleeping. That’s why they don’t sleep.

Shark's Skeletons Are Made Of Gold

2009-12-22T00:05:00.000-08:00

It’s true.

I know they told you that shark’s skeletons are made of some junk called cartilage. Well they lied straight to your face. Assholes, I know. So yeah they are made of gold. You are thinking this:

“Gold is a soft metal, and if they were hard they would be made out of platinum or adamantium.”
-You

Well let me welcome you to the real world dork. Gold is sure as hell harder than cartilage and if you could chose between gold and cartilage you would choose gold if you knew anything.

“But I’ve seen shark bones before in magazines and periodicals and shit.”
-You

Can you stop doubting me already? Those are fake. Sharks make those fake bones to trick us into thinking that they are from earth (which they aren’t).

Sharks Killed The Dinosaurs

2009-12-21T23:53:00.000-08:00

I know that the government told you that some stupid comet killed the dinosaurs. They are assholes, and that was a big lie. Sharks killed the dinosaurs. Way back when, right around the year 4 million BC sharks had legs and they could go on land. They hated the dinosaurs a bunch, especially stegosauruses. So they killed the dinosaurs with guns. Oh yeah, they had guns, big ones. They used silver bullets that are normally reserved for werewolfs but the sharks made an exception because they really wanted all the dinosaurs dead.

*I know you think I misspelled “werewolfs” because it should be “werewolves” but you are an idiot because it doesn’t go plural the same way as wolf does because it's not the same word, at all.

Let's Get The Ball Rolling

2009-12-21T23:20:00.000-08:00

First off, I would like to clear the air. Sharks ARE real. With all this CGI and fancy technology they have these days, it is not far fetched to think that sharks are made up, but I have seen one in real life. So take it from me, they exist. In fact, they hella exist. They probably exist more than you do. My friend Billy can vouch for me, I am not a liar.