Science

If you rub two sharks together, you get a sandwich. Don’t ask me why because it’s science.

Sharks vs. Whales

Sharks are so much better than whales it’s not even funny, well it actually is funny, but not that funny. So seriously, sharks are two hundred times better. “Why?” you ask. Simple. First off, they just are. Secondly, why do they have to call the most badass whale a killer whale?
Calling a shark a killer shark would be redundant as fuck because any jackass already knows that sharks are cold ass killers. Guess what the pussiest shark is called. Give up? It’s called a WHALE shark.
I rest my case. Out of order?! Your Honor, this whole blog is out of order!

Sharks Cry

Sharks cry sometimes. Not because they're sad, but because they just like it.

Back In The Day

Back in the olden times, before Columbus fucked everything up, sharks and Native Americans had a hardcore alliance. Together they invented feather hats, face paint, sunglasses and gambling. They also knew a bunch of other ways to look super cool. It’s too bad they had a falling out. They used to be very close.

What happened was that Native Americans were really into unicorn meat, and they killed all the Unicorns. They also wore the horns to look super badass. This offended the sharks because sharks share a common ancestor with unicorns, the sharkicorn.

(Artist’s rendering)

The Loch Ness Monster Doesn’t Have Shit On Sharks

Why do you think he hides out in that dumb lake? Cause he is scared. If Loch Ness monsters had anything on sharks wouldn’t they be swimming free in the ocean? Instead guess what, the seas belong to sharks. End of story. And those pussy ass Loch Ness Monsters will stay out of the ocean if they know what’s good for them.

Sharks Invented Tempurpedic Mattresses

Sharks invented Tempurpedic mattresses way before those Swedish people discovered them (the Swedes claim that they invented them with space technology or whatever, but it's not true. They were invented by sharks on their home planet...people are so dumb)

So yeah, on their home planet Tempurpedic material is so common it literally grows on trees, and it’s what they make their houses out of. Sharks brought it with them to earth, not for them to sleep on, but because they wanted the humans to sleep more soundly on them. This way they could have an easier time stealing your thoughts.

Sharks Love Teenage Pregnancy.

They think it's hilarious, which it is.