Back In The Day

Back in the olden times, before Columbus fucked everything up, sharks and Native Americans had a hardcore alliance. Together they invented feather hats, face paint, sunglasses and gambling. They also knew a bunch of other ways to look super cool. It’s too bad they had a falling out. They used to be very close.

What happened was that Native Americans were really into unicorn meat, and they killed all the Unicorns. They also wore the horns to look super badass. This offended the sharks because sharks share a common ancestor with unicorns, the sharkicorn.

(Artist’s rendering)

The Loch Ness Monster Doesn’t Have Shit On Sharks

Why do you think he hides out in that dumb lake? Cause he is scared. If Loch Ness monsters had anything on sharks wouldn’t they be swimming free in the ocean? Instead guess what, the seas belong to sharks. End of story. And those pussy ass Loch Ness Monsters will stay out of the ocean if they know what’s good for them.

Sharks Invented Tempurpedic Mattresses

Sharks invented Tempurpedic mattresses way before those Swedish people discovered them (the Swedes claim that they invented them with space technology or whatever, but it's not true. They were invented by sharks on their home planet...people are so dumb)

So yeah, on their home planet Tempurpedic material is so common it literally grows on trees, and it’s what they make their houses out of. Sharks brought it with them to earth, not for them to sleep on, but because they wanted the humans to sleep more soundly on them. This way they could have an easier time stealing your thoughts.

Sharks Love Teenage Pregnancy.

They think it's hilarious, which it is.

Sharks Are In Your Head

You know how sometimes, you are about to say something and then you forget and are like “DAMMIT!” That doesn’t happen to sharks ever.

Because sharks are stealing your thoughts and memories, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Shark’s Blood Is The Most Expensive Liquid On The Planet.

It’s more expensive than oil, bottled water, glowstick fluid and printer ink.

Who Would Win In A Fight, Batman Or Superman?

Neither. A shark would win dumbass, and any plain old shark could do it. You don’t even need a super powered shark. But that’s irrelevant because it leads us directly into the next fact.

All sharks have super powers.

And no two sharks have the same powers. Each has their own unique power.

For instance, this shark is really good at surprises:


This one is really good at partying:
And this one can do this: