Sharks Have Mustaches

Sharks have mustaches. You may not be able to see them, but they’re definitely there. The superfine mustache bristles pick up vibrations in the water. Using their invisible mustaches they can sense any emotion like fear, jealousy, itchiness, if you are singing a song in your head, etc.

Sharks Are Poetic

Sharks would NEVER write sappy songs like angsty canadian preteens. They do write deep haikus though. Humans think they write haikus, but that word garbage is a joke compared to the soul crushing word music sharks create.

Sharks Are UFOs

We already know that sharks fly in the air at night. Given. But sometimes they are traveling so fast that they show up on airplane radar, or turn on their glowing mechanism so that they light up (this was discussed earlier in the section about how all sharks have super powers... try to keep up please). When this happens, dumb dumb humans think it’s UFOs.

Technically, they are right because sharks are from a different planet and they can’t be identified whilst flying around all catawampus, but they are actually dead wrong because they think that little green men with big heads and black eyes are driving circle ships. Wrong alert.

Sharks' Roars

Sharks' roars and growls are so low pitched that nothing on earth, besides sharks and super fancy computers (made with stolen shark technology), can hear them. Since humans can’t hear these noises, they have a name for how shark roars feel. They call them earthquakes.

Yeah, sharks don't roar that often.

Science

If you rub two sharks together, you get a sandwich. Don’t ask me why because it’s science.

Sharks vs. Whales

Sharks are so much better than whales it’s not even funny, well it actually is funny, but not that funny. So seriously, sharks are two hundred times better. “Why?” you ask. Simple. First off, they just are. Secondly, why do they have to call the most badass whale a killer whale?
Calling a shark a killer shark would be redundant as fuck because any jackass already knows that sharks are cold ass killers. Guess what the pussiest shark is called. Give up? It’s called a WHALE shark.
I rest my case. Out of order?! Your Honor, this whole blog is out of order!

Sharks Cry

Sharks cry sometimes. Not because they're sad, but because they just like it.

Back In The Day

Back in the olden times, before Columbus fucked everything up, sharks and Native Americans had a hardcore alliance. Together they invented feather hats, face paint, sunglasses and gambling. They also knew a bunch of other ways to look super cool. It’s too bad they had a falling out. They used to be very close.

What happened was that Native Americans were really into unicorn meat, and they killed all the Unicorns. They also wore the horns to look super badass. This offended the sharks because sharks share a common ancestor with unicorns, the sharkicorn.

(Artist’s rendering)

The Loch Ness Monster Doesn’t Have Shit On Sharks

Why do you think he hides out in that dumb lake? Cause he is scared. If Loch Ness monsters had anything on sharks wouldn’t they be swimming free in the ocean? Instead guess what, the seas belong to sharks. End of story. And those pussy ass Loch Ness Monsters will stay out of the ocean if they know what’s good for them.

Sharks Invented Tempurpedic Mattresses

Sharks invented Tempurpedic mattresses way before those Swedish people discovered them (the Swedes claim that they invented them with space technology or whatever, but it's not true. They were invented by sharks on their home planet...people are so dumb)

So yeah, on their home planet Tempurpedic material is so common it literally grows on trees, and it’s what they make their houses out of. Sharks brought it with them to earth, not for them to sleep on, but because they wanted the humans to sleep more soundly on them. This way they could have an easier time stealing your thoughts.

Sharks Love Teenage Pregnancy.

They think it's hilarious, which it is.

Sharks Are In Your Head

You know how sometimes, you are about to say something and then you forget and are like “DAMMIT!” That doesn’t happen to sharks ever.

Because sharks are stealing your thoughts and memories, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Shark’s Blood Is The Most Expensive Liquid On The Planet.

It’s more expensive than oil, bottled water, glowstick fluid and printer ink.

Who Would Win In A Fight, Batman Or Superman?

Neither. A shark would win dumbass, and any plain old shark could do it. You don’t even need a super powered shark. But that’s irrelevant because it leads us directly into the next fact.

All sharks have super powers.

And no two sharks have the same powers. Each has their own unique power.

For instance, this shark is really good at surprises:


This one is really good at partying:
And this one can do this:

Sharks Invented Video Games

This is the earliest video game known to man or shark.
It was called “Donkey Shark.” It still is the funnest game ever to be created. Sharks traded their videogame technology for nuclear secrets as well as Hot Pocket technology with the Japanese.

That’s right sharks have Nukes and Japanese Hot Pockets. Be afraid, be very afraid.

Shorks!

Sharks were originally called “Shorks.” They had a big meeting with all the other badass creatures on earth (Bears, Wolves, Tigers, Dragons, Chupacabras, Sasquatches, Native Americans, etc.). At the tribunal of badassery, it was decided that “Sharks” was a way badasser name. So they changed it.

P.S. Before this meeting Wolves were called Ladyfingers.

Sharks Don't Swim

Sharks don’t appreciate their non dorsal fins being called fins because they are wings. Also they do not swim. They fly majestically through the water.

Ever Gotten A Prank Call? That Was A Shark.

...How do I know this? Because I’m a shark. But don’t tell the other sharks about this blog, they’d eat me alive. Just kidding, I‘m the strongest one. But still don’t fucking tell them, bitches.

Also, sharks can type way faster than any human. And they beat every single level on Mavis Beacon.

Sharks Have Christmas Everyday

Sharks have Christmas everyday, except when they’re sleeping. That’s why they don’t sleep.